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Grand Theft Auto VI: Exclusive Hands-On Preview!

It's so REAL!

After conquering 2018 with the hyper-realistic open-world cowboy simulator, Red Dead Redemption 2, Rockstar has certainly not been resting on its laurels. As many of you now know, the highly anticipated hyper-realistic open-world crime simulator, Grand Theft Auto 6, has been announced. Thanks to the hundreds of hits my writing for PixlBit has amassed over the past nine years and the runaway popularity of my podcast, Nerds Without Pants (tens of satisfied listeners!) I was given an exclusive look at this upcoming juggernaut. Don’t worry, I got hands-on with this sure to be life-altering video game months before the Covid-19 epidemic. Now that my embargo has been lifted, the story can be told at last!

As you have no doubt seen from the teaser trailer, GTA 6 takes place in the year 2022 in Vice City (the setting of the last actually good Grand Theft game), but there’s far more to it than that. You’ll play much of the game in flashbacks, seeing your character, Johnny P. Tagonist, rise up through the seedy crime ranks of Vice City in the late-80s. Then you get to flash forward to 2022 to see a much older but wiser Mr. Tagonist as he struggles to hold on to the massive crime empire he has amassed. To see Johnny reach those heights you’ll have to help him commit many crimes in this nearly photo-realistic crime game.

While it’s true that Dan Houser has left Rockstar there should be no concerns about the writing quality of Grand Theft Auto: The Sixth One. Using advanced A.I. and machine learning, the script of GTA has never been better, featuring all the incisive wit, slightly outdated memes, and blistering takes on American pop culture that you have come to expect from a middle-aged British man. Take, for example, this excerpt from an early cutscene from the flashback part of the game:

Vito: Oh, hi, Johnny.

Johnny: Hi, Vito.

Vito: I need you to do some crimes for me.

Johnny: That’s great, because I am definitely ready to do crime. I am hoping to build an empire of crime one day.

Vito: Haha! What a funny story, Johnny! Okay, you’re my guy, yeah? I want you to go kill Rich. He owes me money, but he won’t pay me the money he owes me.

Johnny: Wow, that’s a pretty big crime.

Vito: Yeah, one of the biggest. You in?

Johnny: I’m not sure I can kill anyone.

Vito: Then the game ends.

Johnny: Oh, in that case I will kill anyone.


I was riveted by the sheer quality of the writing in the 33 minutes I got to experience what will definitely be the game of whatever year it releases in. I was brought to tears by the sheer humanity that Johnny the criminal displayed as he did crimes. But by far the most impressive thing about Grand Theft Auto: Whatsits is the graphical prowess on display. For full disclosure, I was playing on a PC that is targeting next-gen console specs, but this was months ago and I expect the game to look even better than reality when it comes out. I mean, just look at these totally life-like screenshots that Rockstar provided us!

Rockstar’s attention to detail is just on a completely different level. You may have been impressed by the painstaking work the artists in Red Dead Redemption 2 undertook to make sure that your horse’s testicles would contract in cold weather, but they have outdone themselves here. At one point in my demo, I visited a strip club. Johnny got a lap dance from one of the main love interests, Fe’mayle Type. After the dance was over and I walked out, I noticed that Johnny had a full erection! Not only that, but characters on the streets would say hilarious things to him, like “You could put someone’s eye out with that”, or “Reminds me of when my husband could get it up”. It really drew me into the world of crime that GTA is known for, and it was absolutely worth the three months of work that one guy put into it. He didn’t seem exhausted at all.

Yes, “realism” has been the order of the day at Rockstar for many years now, and Grand Theft Auto: You’ll Buy it Anyway is no exception. In the flashback sections, you can still steal cars, but the focus is on Johnny’s personal journey through life. By doing crimes you’ll be able to earn money, and you can use that money from crimes to eventually buy a car. “We wanted the player to have a real attachment to their car in a real way, to make the game more real,” said creative director Guy Everyman. “You’ll have to buy car insurance, make car payments, and even take the car in for regular maintenance. It’s like taking care of your guns in RDR 2, but on a much grander scale. If you don’t take care of your car it will break down, and then Johnny will have a tougher time doing crimes.”

When you get to the modern-day sections this realism kicks into high gear. As the much older John Tagonist, you have access to a smart phone, as one would expect. But wait, what if I told you that Rockstar has completely emulated the iPhone 11 within the game? It’s true! You can play Candy Crush Saga from within GTA VI (over John’s shoulder, for realism), and even text people outside of the game. It was soooo cool to get a text from a video game character that I will never throw this phone out. On top of that, you’ll need to manage the older character’s health, as he suffers from high blood pressure and cholesterol. Oh, but don’t worry, Mr. Tagonist can still please the ladies; just be sure and pick up some Viagra (the product placement is on POINT) at the pharmacy before your dates.

What can I say? I played it for 33 minutes, but I was already completely sold. And then when I heard that Rockstar is aiming for the main story to take a minimum of 200 hours (you can easily double that with side missions) I literally threw all the money I was carrying at them. I simply can’t wait for this hyper-realistic crime simulator to come out so I can do lots of crimes. Yep, 202X can’t get here soon enough.

If you made it this far, I hope you enjoyed this preview parody. Stay safe out there, and if this gave you a little laugh while in quarantine I have succeeded. If not, well, no one ever said I was funny.




03/23/2020 at 02:42 AM

This makes more sense than any actual GTA content released in the past ten years. 

Casey Curran Staff Writer

03/30/2020 at 03:59 PM

Okay, I can believe Vice City is the next GTA. I can believe that Julian has no concerns about the writing. I'll even accept I can't find anything about this on the internet and Rockstar exclusively flew Julian in and he didn't mention it on NWP. But Julian hyped for a game that will take over 200 hours to complete? No way

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