Cage Match:
I imagine the first one playing out like the episode of Futurama where Hermes comes out of retirement for the Jamaican limbo team. Thanks to an extremely high-tech body-shaping suit, Crusader "Hermes Conrad" No Remorse, which did win a couple of competitions in its youth, grabs an early lead and the crowd's adoration. The body suit then ruptures from Crusader's middle-aged flab, and "Barbados Slim" Super Mario Bros carries the win to the cheers of the crowd. Crusader's wife pats Crusader on the head and says, "Don't worry, if I'd wanted to be married to a video game champion, I'd have stayed married to Super Mario."
Meanwhile, Chex Quest vs. Castlevania 64 actually turns out to be a surprisingly even match. Castlevania ultimately wins, but you've gotta admire the pluck and spirit of Chex Quest. They could have just phoned it in as a breakfast cereal tie-in, but they actually put some effort into the match. It's a classic underdog story.
P.S. Dragon Quest is one of the best-selling video game franchises out there, with 87 million total units sold, so it's definitely earned its pile of money on which to sleep on with many beautiful ladies. I've contributed a few copies myself since 1989.
In regards to "me and Quest 64 and me and Area 51," I would like to remind Justin that cloning himself is expressly forbidden under Article VII, Section 19, sub-section 19cc, paragraph 4 of the official Cage Match Rules and Regulations, rev. 12. Violation of the No-Cloning Clause is an instant disqualification for all teams involved.
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