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Dumpster Diving Into Amazon: The Good, the Terrible, and Terribad

On 03/02/2017 at 11:33 PM by Matt R

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At the tip top of Amazon’s page reads a banner: “New and interesting finds.” Never knew that was there. Did you? Apparently it's a feature they introduced a few months ago. I clicked around, surprised at the many artistic, unique products. I was amused, bewildered. By the end, I laughed, I cried, I lol’d.


Within these curated lists are some pretty decent looking birthday/wedding gifts, some lesser buys that will make you go whaaat?, and some that will make you shake your dang head. I promise I’m not a PAID AMAZON SPONSOR, just wanted to climb into this e-dumpster and show the world what I found.

Let me start with what I liked:

Dinosaur patch. "Never Forget." Always good to spread awareness. Makes me sad though. RIP :-(

Ghostbusters patch. Do kids still do patches these days? I don’t, but if I did, I wouldn’t mind having these on a guitar case.




Terminator 2 Judgment Day - T-800 head

Aw ya. If I had a crapton of money, there would be a waist-high pile of these in the corner of my den. 




Page of Lego characters: anywhere from $7-$19 ea. and even higher (bumblebee lego girl for $59? o.0 ). Where was this website when I was a kid? I would’ve loved Abe Lincoln lego, yeti lego, sea captain lego, and hey, is that left-shark lego?




Nice painting of the Enterprise-D I wouldn’t mind having in my house. And it’s only $15.




The Legend of Zelda 25th Anniversary Game Fabric Wall Scroll Poster (16" x 87")

Looks epic. Only $20.



Back to the Roots Water Garden Fish Tank

I like this; you got your fish and got your little garden on top: “In this low-maintenance, mini aquaponics ecosystem, the fish feed the plants, and the plants clean the water.”




Wireless Bluetooth speaker for the shower. Originally funded by Kickstarter. Seems handy, but not all reviewers were impressed:

“I feel like this company is reviewing their own products on here. There's no way anyone would give this 5 stars. You can barely hear it when the water isn't running, let alone with the shower on.”

“It does not stick to the wall.”




 Uzopi [?]

I ordered this bluetooth speaker myself a few months ago. I like how it has all the different media playing features, including a radio. Even came with a short USB chord, line-in cable and remote control. Classy. The radio sucks though. It works by pressing the scan button, then it assigns every station it finds to a preset number, then instead of browsing for a station with the nice round dial, you either press the left/right button a million times til you get to the right station, or type it in on the remote. Ugh.


The instruction manual is a lulzy disaster. It’s a simple plug-and-play device that requires very little explanation, but whoever wrote it has become an anonymous giant in the history of Engrish literature: “Plus USB sticker to USB port.” And a new Chinese Beat Poet star was born.


As for the origins of this product/the company that made it—that is also a mystery. I’m not sure if Uzopi is the name of the product or the name of the company. Nowhere on it or on the manual does it say what country it’s manufactured in. I’m fairly happy with it though; I can carry it off to the bathroom around 10ft away and it keeps the Bluetooth connection.




This Buddha plushie is the thing of nightmares. They got three different colors of this fat b-tard for sale, all ugly.  Yet the reviewers seem happy with it. Can’t argue with the people.

Do yourself a favor and don’t go looking for the Ganesha Plush Doll. The horror…




Extreme Microwave Bacon Ceramic Cooker.

Hang the bacon over the side of the ceramic mug and it’s supposed to cook the bacon and cash the oil inside. howbowdah? Call me old-fashioned but I’d rather do it the regular way. Hate taking chances with my bacon. Plus some reviewers are saying it cracks easily. And thus we have one of the many drawbacks of Amazon: maybe they’re right, and maybe they’re just corporate plants sent to trash the competition’s review scores. Can’t know for sure unless you buy it yourself.

 * * * * *


The Bad, the More Bad, and the Badder:


This cactus toothpick holder is a major letdown. Why aren’t the toothpicks sticking out the side like a real cactus? 



Bread plushie. It’s a plushie. That looks like bread. 




LEGO Star Wars The Force Awakens - Rey LED Key Light

Ugh. Why do these characters need to be turned into a flashlight? Why does the light come out of their foot? Worse than the prequels. Thanks for nothing Disney. -10/10.




Palm Tree - Metal Wall Art- Small

Anyone got a guess why this steel palm tree that is only 2 feet tall costs a HUNDRED dollars?




 Please Romaine Calm, Food Pun, Funny Poster, 11 x 14 Poster

 This is how you know Amazon is 100% fake news. Look at these "reviewers" lies:

“Good quality print and very funny!”

“fabulous print - so fun! i hung in my kitchen and people love it”

“It's been a hit every time I have guests in the house--get a chuckle or two. Also, speedy delivery!”


lettuce humor plus $26 price = get out



Now we got some Star Trek Christmas ornaments. I love me some ST. But give me something good to go on my tree to celebrate the birth of the Savior, like a warship or a tribble. A bust of Picard's bald, cybernetically enhanced head. Kirstie Alley when she was still hot. This stuff is nothing but a tribute to the series’ shlockiness:


“The Devil In The Dark” - Star Trek - 2014 Hallmark Keepsake Ornament

Member the episode where a killer cave monster goes on a rampage and only Spock can stop it? 

“Spock! NO! Not the monster’s ------- ! Don’t put your head in there!”

“Jim, better get down here. Better hurry.”

Cried every time.




Arena - Star Trek 2013 Hallmark Ornament

Member that time Kirk fought a guy in a green suit and made gun powder out of dirt and a stick?




The Menagerie Star Trek 2009 Hallmark Keepsake Ornament

Member that great episode where the original Enterprise captain was disfigured and in a wheelchair? Jeez, what a yule time downer.




Star Trek - Vina Ornament


 * * * * *


And finally, the Terribad. Or, SMH: The Online Store:


Datamancer The Sojourner Keyboard with 6ft length braided cloth USB cable

That right there is a one THOUSAND dollar keyboard. Though the keyboard is brass, the reviews are solid gold:


“Sadly, the listing hardly does this product justice. The brass is actually from free range ore mined by blind Benedictine monks, then slow-forged to perfection in the ancient fires of Pompeii and cooled in unicorn tears. Then it is lovingly hand polished by rare albino panda bears high atop a Tibetan mountain. No, not that mountain. It's a secret one only the wealthy know about.

A word of warning, however: some say lesser men cannot handle the magnitude of such eldritch power, and will be consumed by the might of this keyboard, left to roam an otherworldly plane for all time.”


“I know it SEEMS expensive, but it's got ALL the letters.”


“I sold my wife's engagement ring and sold my kids into slavery for this keyboard, I almost got arrested but i had this keyboard so the police didn't care. Now I have to live all alone with just this keyboard to keep me company.”




Control Brand The Ramsay Floor Lamp

That’s a…a horse lamp. A lamp coming out of a horsehead. $4,850. I died laughing when I saw this. The most surprising thing? There are verified reviewers. Some rich SOB out there, somewhere, ordered this friggin thing from Amazon and stuck it in their mansion.

Once again, the reviews are the best part:


“What a bargain! Only 4,000 dollars for a life-sized replica of a horse with a lamp on its head?! Madness. It looks great in my bedroom, where I often like to sit atop of it and read before bed. Sometimes I pretend I'm Teddy Roosevelt. My friends think I'm crazy. But they just don't understand.”


“Warning this isn't an actual horse. I bought four for night stage coach riding and was sorely disappointed. On another note, I have four unique lamps I'd be willing to sell. Best offer of course…”


“Kid wanted a real horse, so I got her a lamp. She cried for a week but I think she loves it!”


And that's all I got for today. Thanks for diving with me in this dank and dirty dumpster store (dumpstore?) known as Amazon's "Interesting Finds."




03/03/2017 at 01:09 AM

"but I think she loves it!" Lol. Thanks for this. Really entertaining. 

Matt Snee Staff Writer

03/03/2017 at 10:45 AM

nah, dude those star trek keepsakes are the fucking bomb!  

And Geisha lego?  Sign me up!  

Thanks for putting this together, I really enjoyed it. 

Super Step Contributing Writer

03/03/2017 at 09:36 PM

I want that horse lamp. Less because it's a horse lamp and more because when i buy it I'll know I've come around, since i can buy stupid shit like horse lamps.

On the legit I want that side, the Zelda scroll is a friggin' scroll poster.

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