PixlBit

BioFREAKing bland.

Careful observers will notice that, on the box of BioFREAKS, the word "FREAKS" has a period after each letter. As it turns out, it is an acronym for Biological Flying Robotic Enhanced Armored Killing Synthoids, something which I'm sure sounds like I just made up.

As this story goes, in the not-too-distant future, mutated freaks of nature with weapons grafted to their bodies duke it out for reasons known only to them. There are eight characters to choose from who all have a special weapon, which range from machine guns to swords. Characters are pretty well detailed, with a good polygon count and smooth textures, and the animation is fluid and varied. The arenas are comparatively lacking, consisting mostly of a flat floor boxed in with flat walls, with a single texture stretched across it. It would seem, as I found out the hard way, that some battle arenas have hazards such as lava and blades, but most fights don't last long enough for them to come into play.

As with many fighting games, Bio FREAKS requires complex button combos to pull off the more damaging moves. Fortunately, the moves are listed in the practice mode, as I lack the manual for this game. Since I wasn't going to be playing the game very long, I chose just one move to remember instead of trying to take in the whole list. Back-forward-A, one of the easier moves on the list, which resulted in a cool blue laser.

After checking the buttons in practice mode, I jumped into the arcade mode for some freak-blasting action. My character choice was Sabotage, because she looked like she didn't take guff from anyone. First up was ZipperHead, who really needs to wipe the green drool from his mouth. He didn't put up much of a fight, as he wasn't very aggressive and barely moved. The next opponent was Bullseye, who decided to be cheap by hanging back and firing his machine gun. Luckily I figured out how to activate a shield, which seemed to block the shots.

The third opponent was Delta, a she-freak with blue toy swords that were sharper than they looked. Her attacks were more focused, causing me to lose half my health bar. Realizing I needed to step it up, I began mashing buttons to see if I could pull off some combos. Sometimes it worked, sometimes it didn't, I could never figure out the method. With a sliver of health left, I defeated her with a low kick. Next up was Purge, who resembled a man-child wearing painted cardboard boxes to pretend to be a robot. If only his flamethrowers were also pretend. Not fooling around, he flew around the arena spouting fire every which way. In a panic, I mashed every button in every combination I could think of, hoping beyond hope that somehow, someway, some cool and devastating move would be executed. But it never happened. The fight was lost.

I can't say I'm any sort of fan of fighting games, and this one does nothing to convince me otherwise. Fighting fans might appreciate the characters in this game, but there isn't much here to entertain for long. Oh, and in case you were wondering, "synthoid" is not a word.