PixlBit

In the seventeen years that South Park has graced the airwaves, fans have been subjected to the horror and torment of a wide assortment of video games that were palatable at best and flat out blasphemous at their worst. They lacked everything that makes South Park fans tingle with excitement: gratuitous amounts of foul language, over-the-top violence, crazy characters, blatant insults veiled behind a mask of satire, and the raw unapologetic use of every conceivable taboo with the intention to offend.  But years later it seems that our cries of injustice were finally heard. Here it finally is, the definitive South Park experience chock full of enough smut, vulgarity, and sexism, to satisfy the sick twisted bastards that we all are.

Before I even bother wasting your time and my own, let’s get one thing very clear: if you do not like South Park, are easily offended, or are on some sort of White Knight bullshit quest that you don’t actually care about, but pretend to just so you have something to bitch about cause your life is actually quite meaningless and hollow otherwise, you’re going to HATE this game. So please, do everyone in the gaming world a favor and just avoid this game. No one wants to hear your nonsensical, hypersensitive, over-analytical interpretation of this game. Mr. Hat being stuck into the deep recesses of Mr. Slave’s ass is not intended to be homophobic in any way; he’s simply a giant whore who enjoys that kind of thing. Get the fuck over it.

For those of you still with me, I think it’s safe to say that by this point some of you may have in fact already read some reviews that imply South Park: The Stick of Truth is a modest size game that becomes a bit redundant towards the end. As someone who had no interest in rushing this out to reach an embargo deadline, I have to respectfully and wholeheartedly disagree with these claims. This isn’t a game that is meant to be rushed through. In fact it’s not even a game in which you should stick to the main quest. It’s South Park for Christ’s sake! It’s not some shoddy quiz show, racing, or first-person shooter version, it is the first game that drops players inside of the quiet little redneck mountain town and lets them run wild.

Practically every house and building is accessible from the very beginning. Want to go in Cartman’s house and break his crap for being such an intolerable prick all of these years? Go for it! Want to create that infamous urinal deuce that drove Mr. Mackey nearly insane? Drop that sloppy! Tom Cruise is still hiding in Stan’s closet, Mr. Broflovsky retains his Jewfin dreams, ManBearPig terrorizes once again, Aliens are mercilessly anally probing people, and Canada is even more ghetto than South Park already had every American believing. You will get nothing more than absolute fan service joygasms from spending hours side-questing. Oh, and some useful gameplay items too.

It’s occasionally disorienting to be reminded that you are actually playing a video game when South Park the Stick of Truth plays so seamlessly. In battle, the opponents and partners (if you have one at the moment) are typically engaged in conversation throughout, making most encounters feel like isolated and personally scripted moments rather than eye rolling skirmishes whose only purpose is to gain experience. Since the majority of more closely grouped battling occurs within in-game battles (humans vs. elves, you vs. giant Nazi aborted fetuses) the combat never becomes suffocating and always retains its hilarity.

Enhancing the already balanced combat system are the fantastically ridiculous items you’re able to equip as weapons and armor. I mean honestly, what South Park fan won’t squeal with childish delight when they find a staff adorned with boobular awesomeness or a giant dildo that bitch smacks opponents across the face? Throw in an assortment of crazy armor including Link’s from The Legend of Zelda, underpants gnomes, and Crab people and it gets even better.

The whole game is one ultimate expression of fan service, and I don’t know how many times I can stress that. Dozens of beloved characters make appearances, even if they’re fleeting, and there are hundreds of references to the show found throughout the game, even if they come in the form of objects you find that are meant to be sold in order to buy better equipment.

It’s a raunchy and hysterical quest full of the most ridiculous scenarios you can even imagine from beginning to end. If you thought South Park was crude and offensive before, I promise you haven’t seen anything yet.