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This second half was definitely worth the wait. It might not be the funniest NWP episode but it definitely feels like the best one, and the title of the episode encapsulates why. As a person that's been listening since the beginning and never missed a show I've always felt pretty intense currents running beneath the personas, especially for Julian. Life events and mental health have been topics that have been brought up on many past episodes over the last year or more especially, but not in any detail till now. Over time things seemed to be getting darker and darker behind the scenes, and Julian opening up to us in this show puts a lot of it in perspective now, and most importantly is a great catharsis we can all share in a way. As dark as this episode gets, it ultimately comes out the other end with an incredibly hopeful and powerful light. Julian, Patrick, Angelo, and Liana all get internet hugs for being so open and supportive. It made for a really important show.

I've played a lot of Mass Effect 1 over the years and that game made me contemplate who I am in real life. I play that game by saving before every conversation and immediately reloading if I feel like I made a mistake. At first I thought about it purely as a game mechanic. I also play Splinter Cell games in a very perfectionist way, and I obsess over all the details, saving constantly and reloading constantly. In Splinter Cell those habits are based around a binary stealth system where you're either hidden or not, but in Mass Effect my obsession with doing things exactly how I wanted was now in a context of interpersonal relations, ethics, and values. I loved exploring every single possibility and following the dialogue tree in every direction until I knew exactly what my Shepard should do next.

By the time I finished the first Mass Effect I had saved the game hundreds of times, mined out every conversation, made my decisions, and crafted essentially the "perfect" Shepard. It made me proud to look back at those choices, and look back at my fictional character that I role-played for 60 hours, but there was a disconnect and a sadness there that I didn't catch onto until long after. In real life I was sad that you can never be that video game hero. You can't save everybody, make all the right choices, always know what to say, or reload your save when your mess up. It was the age old disconnect where you're comparing the way you wish the world was and the way it actually is.

Psychologically it wasn't until Dark Souls and Spelunky came along that I started seeing video games in an entirely different light, and to some extent the real world. Those two games are some of my favorites, moreso than even Mass Effect, and in those two games the only way to appreciate the immense depth and reward they offer is to concede that you're not perfect, and to know that the world of each game will push back against you harshly. You're not the stoic hero in either story. And regardless of what kind of combat style you role-play in Dark Souls, or what power ups you come across in Spelunky, you still have to die and keep trying like anybody else. In Dark Souls and Spelunky you have to fail in order to learn, and you have to be willing to lose things and move on despite almost all of video game history conditioning us to behave the opposite way. No reloading saves or endless do-overs in dialog trees.

When I play those games I feel less stressed out, less of a desire to be "right", and the satisfaction of making progress or surviving a dangerous situation is much more empathetic and relateable than the feeling I'd get from role-playing a "perfect" character in Mass Effect.

That's why I defend those games so passionately and get upset when people say that they're just overly difficult games that elitist nerds use as a badge of honor.

I've played Spelunky over 2,500 times, and I've only "won" 15 times, but I've loved every session I've sat down to play. 2,485 "failures" have never felt so good. And I'll keep throwing myself at it for thousands of more sessions.

When I play Dark Souls and Spelunky I feel like it's okay to just be exactly who I am, pick up the controller, and try my best.

You get to see a little more behind the scenes since you are on my facebook page. But yeah, I think if you go back and listen to episode from about summer til now you can get a sense of the turmoil going on. Probably a big reason why Dragon Age was such a bummer for me. Things were getting really bad between us during that time. Then they got really great. Then they ended.

I definitely think the way you talk about Spelunky is the way I have felt about Diablo 3. Even today, I was thinking that I need to jump back in. But I really haven't been in much of a gaming mood lately. Too busy trying to work on me.

This comment means a lot, sir. Especially knowing that you have followed us from the beginning. Thank you.

Yeah, talking definitely helps. I had to go to therapy in Fall 2013 after several breakdowns basically and both that and Paxil (pyroxetene anyway, off-brand) helped. I may need to get back on those, since I get agitated a bit too easily. 

I came out of that feeling like a new person, but in some ways I have backslid. Working out helped too. I think exercise if the closest you can get to a real life video game, since you see results of your work and can operate on an increasingly difficult scale.

I've been walking a lot lately, and losing weight has been a super positive thing, both for my diabetes and my mental health. I am down to 229 pounds. I have never been 229 pounds as an adult, and I feel like I could totally reach my goal of 205.

Yeah, limiting carbs is great for weight loss too. 

I loooooooooooooove my carbs tho...

Yeah, I used to only count calories and protein. May go back to that because everything delicious has carbs. My God do I want pasta. And mac n' cheese ... which i realize is technically pasta.

All things in moderation, but yes, I think counting calories is the most effective. It also makes the most sense. I mean, your body burns x calories a day. If you want to lose weight, give it less than that, forcing it to burn up reserves. It just makes sense.

Yeah, I've counted calories since I started being healthy. The carbs were kind of a bonus thing I recently got into. I started with calories, then watched protein intake, now am doing three things. Although I'm hoping my extra cardio every other day in addition to my weight lifting will allow me to eat more.

Amazing, affecting episode and very informative! I felt like wanting to give everyone a hug by the end.

*hugz*

Best. Episode. Evaaar.

Julian, I especially appreciated that you opened up about the recent events in your life. Regarding type 2 diabetes, my brother-in-law was diagnosed with it a little over a year ago. He was very down about it for a little bit, but he adjusted his diet and lost some weight. Not sure how many pounds, but it wasn't a dramatic drop in weight. Since then, he hasn't had any issues with diabetes at all-- no need for insulin or worries about sugar intake and stuff like that. I'm confident you will get the mastery over it and you'll recover nicely.

As you were describing the relationship issues you were having, I was metaphorically fanning my eyes to keep the metaphorical tears at bay. At the risk of gushing, I must say that I was very proud of you speaking your peace. I can definitely identify with having trouble telling the difference between a discussion and an argument. I've found that communicating my feelings/misunderstandings/whatever is the hardest thing to do, but also the best antidote to the poison of silence and hurt feelings.

Being on the outside looking in, I can tell you that the best thing about your going through you relationship issue is that you learned something about yourself that you otherwise may never have learned. You now have a better sense of what to do, what not to do, and how to do it. Remember...insanity is doing the same thing and expecting a different result. And you have proven yourself to be quite sane.

Everyone did great in this episode. Looking forward to the next one!

I have lost 30 pounds since my diagnosis, and that puts me at 60 pounds down from my largest back in 2013. I am very hopeful that I will beat this, and once I do I am not going back!

I learned a lot. It still hurts, and I still miss her. I keep thinking to myself that if I could go back 9 months with the knowledge I have things would have been great. Or if she had just waited a little longer before moving on. But this had to happen for me to learn. It wasn't just us breaking up; it was her moving on so completely and quickly, and me taking a lot of time to really evaluate myself and realize that there were changes that I needed to make.

Since recording this episode I have come to the realization that it is too late for us. Oh, she could eventually want to take me back, but that could take years. I can't sit around moping and feeling sorry for myself. I can take the lessons I learned and analyze them and make myself a better person, and that's what I choose to do. If she could see the man I have become already I think it would shock her, and if she ever meets the man that I plan to be at the end of this journey she may end up wishing that things had gone a different way.

The friend that I cried to gave me a great bit of wisdom. My girlfriend changed me for the better, and I get to keep that. She doesn't take it away along with her love. It is mine, and I will take that and expand on it until I feel like the person she always knew I could be. Thanks for the kind words, they mean a lot.

Everything you just said-- amen brother.