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[Game System Name] Is Like A [Insert Body Part Here]: A Fun(?) Negative Rant

Oh, the negativity...

Say everyone, do you want to have a bit of negativity on your visit here to PixlBit? Well you are in luck! Today, I am going to talk to you about a little something I like to call “Ass Talking”. “Ass Talking” is basically read as “talking out of your ass,” which also means “spewing shit out of your mouth.” Are you finding it hard to take me seriously when I talk about ass and shit and ass shit talking for an entire paragraph? Of course you are, because there is a point I’m trying to get across.

Being a brand new contributor for PixlBit is quite an honor, you see. I know a lot of the staff here from the Nintendo World Report forums, and I have always wanted to write things for a website. I know it will be a tough job, with school, part-time and all that happening, but I’m looking forward to having fun writing about something I enjoy. Though by now you are wondering what was up with the paragraph of ass above this one. Good question! Because there is always a dark side to video-game news, I will give you my answer in a quote from a big-time (?) game developer:

“New hardware is like new toy. It’s exciting at first but after you’ve experienced enough fresh toy over the years – while there’s still always a bit of excitement when something new comes along – you learn that sooner than later, the new and exciting becomes the standard and dependable and so it’s best to just stay focused and [grateful] on what you’ve got at the moment and if you need to make a change, it’ll just happen mechanically.”

This sterling piece of words was given to us from none other then David Jaffe. If you are like me, you are wondering, “Who the hell is David Jaffe?” Seriously, I didn’t even know who this guy was until I did some extreme research (read: bullshit everything and look him up on Wikipedia). He worked for Sony Computer Entertainment and was one of the designers of the God of War series, but now heads up independent game studio which is contracted by Sony. That’s basically it in a nutshell about David Jaffe, but by now, you have noticed something odd about the quote (which I found from the awesome people from If you figured out (it was the bolded text), then congrats, give yourself a pat on the back.

But now it’s time to really cut into that paragraph of ass. The bolded words are ones I rewrote in that quote, the rest is untouched. The two words, toys and mechanically, did not even exist in the original quote, because the first toy is actually “pussy”, the second is “vagina” and mechanically was “organically”.

The kitten understands how I feel.

And it’s being put in reference to the PSP’s successor, the NGP (Next Gen Portable). Yeah, a female body part.

Because the first thing I thought of when I first saw the 3DS was Kasumi’s bouncing chest melons! (fact: no)

Honestly, Jaffe’s quote basically sums up a giant problem that the western game development world faces: inflated egos. Combine this with every single Wii insult a third party western PR representative can muster (and there is a lot), and every little thing that comes out of Epic Games CEO Mark Rein’s mouth that basically amounts to him saying “yeah they make awesome games, but Nintendo can’t run unreal engine lolololo”, you’ve got to wonder if common sense really does exist in this industry.

It does, believe it or not, just in the wrong places. Who buys video games? While the first logical answer would be “video gamers”, the correct answer is “consumers”. Think about all those young gamers wanting to get an NGP - would they want to be caught in public with something that was compared to a vagina? Anyone of any age can visit a gaming media website, like ours, and see the sorts of comments that come out of people like David Jaffe.

What’s the other important player in game development? Publishers. What about the other target of my frustration, Epic Games CEO Mark Rein? Nintendo and a large amount of third parties are putting out some really nice looking stuff for the 3DS but poor Marky Mark just seems so intent on destroying what little respect the Nintendo fan base has for him. The guy didn’t even get a 3DS development kit, yet he seems to somehow have the technical know-how to determine if a system is powerful enough to run it.

I can just imagine how the meeting about the 3DS went about after E3 2010:

Epic Games Worker: Wow, did everyone see the 3DS? That looked amazing!
Worker 2: We should totally make the Unreal Engine for it!
Mark Rein: NO.
Workers: =(

If I tried to cover every single comment a third party developer made that pissed me off, this thing would go on forever. The workers are at the mercy of the big CEOs, and I can just imagine how these companies’ public relation staff goes about their day dealing with this.

I’ll just come right out and admit it, my patience for Western game developers is wearing quite thin, sans the independent developers, level-headed European and Japanese developers (admit it, you think Sega of Europe’s blog staff are a bunch of nice people and you know it) and by extension Nintendo.

But while Western Developer Egotism is getting out of hand at a steady pace, the other target of my ranting has already made me ask this question:

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Jason Ross Senior Editor

03/02/2011 at 04:41 PM

I like this. Nice job, Matt. You could have left "Organically" as "Organically," though. Organic in his sense didn't refer to a living body, but rather that things flowed well together in creation of a game. Mechanically makes the change sound a bit rougher, as if soeone is forced to construct the change.

Anyway, I've got my own opinion of what actually happened with that IGN reviewer. A lot of people forget that the video review that was pulled/modified was altered because both Gerstmann and IGN said Gerstmann was late to record the thing. That, and the fact that Gerstmann never outright stated the reason he was fired suggests it isn't the most obvious reason. In my imagination, I see Gerstmann's firing as a matter of unfortunate timing. GameSpot likely was firing him for subpar work or a lack of punctuality, and their legal or human resources department likely didn't allow GS to publicly state the reason for Gerstmann's dismissal. My guess is Gerstmann used GameSpot's predicament to garner 15 minutes of fame and try to leech some business away from the place. After all, if a large company just fired you, and you were given a chance to start up a direct competitor, I would imagine you wouldn't clear your former company's name, especially if it meant coming clean about embarrassing work ethic.

I have to say the news about Unreal Engine 3 is disturbing to me. At this point, students everywhere can develop on the effective engine for free, learning the ins-and-outs for later development on their platform. The 3DS (and Wii, for that matter,) could almost certainly run some form of the engine from everything I understand, but the company seems to have some sort of extra-large grudge against Nintendo. A grudge large enough to keep a corporation from making money must be a large grudge, indeed.


03/03/2011 at 06:59 AM

Pretty good read Matt. The type of comments that David Jaffe made are really at the center of why games are really not given the respect it could deserve. If developers are making these type of comments then they are essentialy digging their own graves.

On the topic of IGN as a whole I really haven't visited the site in a long time for various reasons that I have mentioned on another forum so not really sure how much they have improved if at all so I will say this.

I know that these people are talking about video games but you would expect a certain amount of profesionalism and vocabulary when talking about games and in reviews.

Matt McLennan Staff Alumnus

03/03/2011 at 11:23 AM

@ Maxi: I think I know which website forum you are talking about, I haven't been there in a while.

I only visit IGN (or any officaly media website for that matter) for screenshots and news stories. I couldn't be bothered to read their actual reviews anymore since they pretain to complimenting a good game then bitching about one thing for the rest of it. (oh y halo thr New Super Mario Bros. wii and WiFi)


03/03/2011 at 10:22 PM

Wow, linking to Pietriots? The only website on the internet worse than this one. They're all a bunch of trolls over there.


03/03/2011 at 10:43 PM

Yeah, seriously. I mean I'm sorry to double comment but I need to say again that they're a bunch of trolls at Pietriots.

It makes me want to put my chicken down, put my clothes back on, and go outside.


03/03/2011 at 10:47 PM

I see what I did there

Matt McLennan Staff Alumnus

03/04/2011 at 01:14 AM

Thank you for proving the last paragraph in my second page still holds some weight. I can link whoever the hell I want, it's where I originally got the quote from. And Bill Aurion is an awesome guy. Trolling is always good for a laugh.

And you are making me laugh. Congrats!

And three comments when one would suffice? I didn't know our comments page was 4chan.


03/04/2011 at 04:05 AM

There's a SECOND page? Good gravy!

It took me twenty minutes just to read the first one. It's the same reason I couldn't get through Super Paper Mario.

As for Pietriots, just the name is enough to piss me off. What the hell is a Pietriot? It makes no sense!

And I'm sorry, but it's not like I can edit my comments. If I have something important to say, I'm going to say it.

Nick DiMola Director

03/04/2011 at 06:39 AM

Well, you do troll the site consistently enough that it's probably worth making an account. At that point, you can edit your comments all you want!

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