PixlBit

STAGE SELECT: Sorry all, technical problems this week (just fixed my laptop, boy, what a couple of months!) so I didn't even see this until right now, but on the topic I did want to recommend a YouTube video by "Displaced Gamers" called "The Broken Water Level of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (NES) - Behind the Code".  This isn't just a normal critique video, the person actually breaks down the code and even uses LUA programming to display the hitboxes on the screen so there's a nice visual.  They even create new code to try and fix the problems with it, most which would fit in a regular NES Game Genie's limitations.  Suffice it to say, the issue with that part goes way beyond what you can normally observe.  Again, that's "The Broken Water Level of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (NES) - Behind the Code" by "Displaced Gamers".  Highly recommend!

VIDEO GAME CAGE MATCH: Horses so realistic they keel over at the slightest breeze, just like the genuine articles.  Grand Theft Auto V wins by default.

Just an update, I'm finally back home from the fire evacuation and am only 3 hours behind on this new one!  Not bad considering, and boy is it a good one.  Reminds me of wandering around SimCopter with the radio blaring about Mr. Fuzzy's Mouse Tail and Asparagus Cat Food, Harry's Puddings ("Whatever he does, it sure makes a difference!  Harry's: Engineered for smoother texture."), One-Eyed Bob's ("I want the best for my family.  So for vacuum-packed bricks of military surplus nutritional substitute I go to One-Eyed Bob's, where clerks double-bag on request.  Follow the fog 'til you run out of gas, then turn left.  Bob's."), or trying to catch all of Lazlow's stuff in Grand Theft Auto.  Great stuff!  I do resent the implication I would submit a "troll" entry.  Mine was 100% genuine Booky.  As are all the other terrible things I submit.

Oh, my Cage Match submission below is a non-vote, but that felt right considering.

STAGE SELECT:
I don't want to once again mention Human Revolution, and I think I'll save Haggleman for another day, so I'm going to go with Gnat Attack, originally from Mario Paint.  I'm sure most people know what it is but if you don't, it's kind of a "fixed shooter" (or single-screen shooter) where your ship is a hand trying to swat flies with a swatter.  Your hand is vulnerable and controlled entirely by the Super Nintendo Mouse so it has a free-flowing feel to it.  I'd spend hours on it, beating the weird robot fly boss King Watinga in loops repeatedly and once I even unlocked all 15 icons (which isn't as hard as you think, carpal tunnel notwithstanding).  I always thought it would have made a good one of those weird little Wii experiments Nintendo was fond of, but I guess maybe it was a bit too gruesome.  But there has been a few versions of it, most notably in WarioWare, Inc.: Mega Microgame$ as a full non-micro mini-game, complete with a Wario hand.  It even shows up in the original Mario Maker.  Fun fact, there must have been a few developers that were fans of it, as in June 2020 it was found that a reimagining of it even showed up in a prototype for the Nintendo 64 Disc Drive game Mario Artist: Paint Studio, though unfortunately it was unfinished and removed completely from the final product.  How odd!

VIDEO GAME CAGE MATCH:
You have one licensed doctor throwing quote-unquote vitamins, while the other mass-manufactures... mean beans?  Is this the state of our healthcare system?  The insurance companies win.

Hey guys I'm currently in the middle of a wildfire evacuation and there's a chance I might lose my home but I couldn't skip a NWP if I could help it!  Just, you know, a real quick one from me this time.  Had better ideas from both but just can't put the research into it unfortunately.

STAGE SELECT: This one goes out to the one I love.  This one goes out to the one I've left behind. https://trashcaneagle.bandcamp.com/track/vegetable-valley-2

CAGE MATCH: We knew they were coming. We did all we could to prepare. But they still set the world on fire.

Ravagers, we called them. The world's militaries fought them with everything they had, but in the end, only one force stood a chance: The EDF, a coalition of humanity's greatest soldiers and scientists. Finally, we shot down their mothership and brought peace to the world...

...for about eight years. It's 2025 now, and our worst fears have come true: That was only the first wave.

But this is not the end. This time, we ARE ready. The EDF has developed over 500 different weapons and vehicles. Our Rangers are crack shots with all kinds of weapons. Our Wing Divers rain down death from above. Our Fencers are walking, steel-clad arsenals. And our Air Raiders can seize control of the battlefield. If it takes four score and seven battles, if we have to fight in the streets, on the beaches, or alongside our allies in cyberspace, we'll fight and we'll win.

Now and forever, we are the Earth Defense Force.

Last Stage Select was definitely one where I went: "Oh, I should've went fun.  All waterfalls should have treasure chests or eat shit.  Every game with a motorcycle, you better be able to do a wheelie.  Oh well."  I also think Kirby is fairly tight in that it's, you know, kinda Smash Bros adjacent (or as tight as Smash Bros is... but actually kind of a little more because Kirby usually has more rigid positioning and less whatever the hell Smash Bros. Ultimate is).

STAGE SELECT:
Gentlemen, there's one target demographic that we're just not doing enough to attract.  And do you know whom that is?  Go on, give it a guess.  Did you say "women"?  Ha, ha, ha!  No.  That's right: toxic gamers.  We're frankly just not hitting the toxic gamer audience at the numbers I *know* we can hit.

Now, imagine: You're number one.  You've destroyed the competition.  You've spend some money on the coolest outfit that money and rage can buy, and the end of game replay cam is shooting off.  Sure, you look cool, but what about the suckers?  What about the dupes?  They just look normal, maybe even slightly cool themselves as you're stomping them into the dirt.  They might have even spent more money than you and I can assure you, as a businessman, that that should make you furious.

That's why I am suggesting the following: skins but for the *other* players.  Can you imagine sliding into the enemy as they wear an "I'm With Stupid" shirt and an arrow pointing up?  Outmaneuvering the saps as stink clouds emanate around them?  $5 might just get you a rare gatcha Clown Ensemble.  Heck, $500 might (emphasis: might) just get you the rare chaser Mime variant!

Now I know what you're thinking: So I can watch a replay at the end of the game.  Big whoop.  But: here's where the NFTs come in.  That's right, every single mock cam (patent pending) can be attached to another player via the blockchain.  These fun videos are guaranteed to play not just right after the match, but *absolutely* guaranteed to play during the matchup cam at the beginning, if the price is right.  Spend a little extra money to fuel your hate and, bam, there you go!  Show them exactly who you are.

And if somebody did it to you first?  Well, just buy it off the free market and you're home free!  That's right, every NFT available is also on our glorious new commodity market.  (Fees apply).  Thanks to required social media integration and lax privacy laws, we can guarantee that your favorite streamer who picks up the game, even for a second, can be the target of your hate.  Attach it to your own profile via credit card or cryptocurrency and everyone can know who owns the Pewds!

Of course, the squeamish might say, "But Booky, nobody would play such a hateful game!  People would bail at the first sign of toxicity!"  But here's the thing: they can't!  For I'm not talking about the next Overwatch or Halo.  Small fish.  Gentlemen: welcome to the brand new FIFA 2024.

VIDEO GAME CAGE MATCH:
THIS GAME COULD
KILL YOU.
https://i.imgur.com/VBbRWyE.jpg

Also, fuck Capitalism.  The Colonel's Bequest wins!

That's funny, I actually played both Fashion Police Squad and Cursed to Golf so that part stood out to me.  They both had highly regarded demos during the last Steam Next Fest!  Fashion Police Squad, an old DOOM throwback but w/o the killing and gore, had some decent weapon juggling and some interesting bosses.  And Cursed to Golf very well might be the first successful roguelike golf game (don't worry, the levels aren't really procedurally developed though I think there's going to be a postgame upgrade with more randomness).  Cursed to Golf in particularly I liked so much I beat the not-easy-at-all demo challenge!

STAGE SELECT:
I've thought of one I've developed recently, so while it's not fun I'll post it here anyway.  Repeat, it's not a fun one.  Not all of these can be fun ones, sorry.  Look, Kirby and the Forgotten Land is a good game.  A ton of work went into it after dozens of years of 3D HAL failures and mini-games to suss out how it could work.  Trust me, I played Kirby's Blowout Blast.  If you played Kirby's Blowout Blast then I'm all ears.  Forbidden Lands is a new exciting direction, and it's darn cute.  But I kind of hate its success.  I wouldn't put it the top 5 Kirby games.  The actual battling is a bit sloppy (don't get me started on the lack of attack opportunities to enemies with certain powers, even with the slow-down mechanic.  They just love warping and stuff!).  The powers having different abilities is very basic and it almost always is better just to use the latest one.  The levels are fine but they are flat and do kind of get repetitive, and there's an absolutely tiny amount of enemy variety.  I think it's telling that the postgame stuff which is usually a standout of the game gives you a, spoiler alert, healing sword right before it.  Oh, also, I got to experience multiplayer and let me tell you that the Bandana Waddle Dee is *so* much less fun then Kirby, I really think it needs a huge multiplayer update like Kirby Star Allies had.  There wasn't even a single patch for it despite some known bugs let alone anything to balance the game.  So while it's a fun game, I'm kind of worried that its breakout success will kill the classic tighter 2D action that Kirby is known for (or, now I guess, lesser known for) just because it's a more approachable game at a basic level.  A classic sacrifice of function over form.

Here's a couple other ones I thought about.  Think Bionic Commando is the king of grappling games?  Do yourself a favor and play Umihara Kawase for the SNES.  You will suck at it and you will hate it unless or until you get good at it, but it's bar none the best.  Think Mario Bros 3 is the king platformer for the NES?  *Maybe* it is, but do yourself a favor and play Mr. Gimmick anyway.  It has amazing physics, music, graphics, and a solid if unrelenting difficulty all done by a tiny team.  Not as fun, maybe, but it's such a tight experience it's a shame it never got picked up in the US.

VIDEO GAME CAGE MATCH:
Let me ask you this: How can I play Quest 64?  Can I download it on the Switch?  No, you can't even download it on the Wii.  Can I play Plumbers Don't Wear Ties?  Not yet, but a definitive edition *is* coming out later this year.  DEFINITIVE EDITION!  And when that *does* finally come out?  Well, what then?  Quest 64 for the win.

How can this be?  Quest 64 may be the Quest 64 of video games, but Plumbers Don't Wear Ties is the Plumbers Don't Wear Ties of video games.  Also, an unplayed Quest 64 is better than a played one anyways, guarantee it.  While I was looking more into it, I found out Plumbers Don't Wear Ties was the Number 1 entry on PC Gamer's online Must NOT Buy list from May 2007, beating out such winners as "Big Rigs: Over the Road Racing" (a classic) and "Forbes Corporate Warrior" (according to Wikipedia: "hailed by Crain's New York Business Magazine as, 'Doom meets Wharton School of Business.'").  To quote the article, "Plumbers Don't Wear Ties is a shallow, hateful waste of a game, and may very well be responsible for having killed the 3DO, interactive fiction, and the whale."  I'd rather take the road not taken.

Oof, that ending always gets me even when I know it's coming.  Let's see, just finished this podcast in time but I also wanted to say I really appreciated the Special that came out even though I forgot to comment about it on the page.  I've only been around since really the last few Patrick episodes (which, cripes, was actually quite a while ago.  Weird how that works!) so it was really great hearing some cherry-picked moments from the podcast's past.


STAGE SELECT:
I was a little confused if the question really meant actual guest fighters/players or cameos or what so I just went from the heart and chose a little of each.  One of my personal favorite cameos that I've mentioned here before is in Secret of Evermore for the SNES where in the weird mirror town, Ebon Keep, you find Cecil from Final Fantasy IV and he basically goes, "Hey, have you heard about my adventures on the moon?  Me and Rosa moved here afterwards.  Anyways, have a bazooka."  Another great one I remember is the crossover that both Ape Escape 3 and Metal Gear Solid 3 have special unlockable modes where you play a version of the respective game on it (although Metal Gear Solid 3's was by far the superior version of Ape Escape!).  As far as guest characters (or guest bosses in this case), I always thought it was cute that Fighter's History Dynamite included the Ox from Karate Champ's bonus level (and title screen!) as a secret boss, which was its tribute to really one of the first (and certainly one of the first successful) fighting games ever.  I really hope people sent in some wild ones because this is one of those topics that is just such a deep rabbit hole!

VIDEO GAME CAGE MATCH:
Sometimes when you just can't seem to make the odds it's helpful to consult the ancient sacred texts.  Syphon Filter: "989 Studios sneaks onto the spy scene with an awe-some third-person action game that would stir even 007 to raise his martini in salute."  Driver 2: "Collisions are far too bouncy-what should be minor dust-ups send your car cartwheeling through the air, and many of the timed missions have far too little breathing room, Still, if you're the patient, dedicated sort-or simply a huge Driver fan-you may find a lot to love about Driver 2."  Hmmm.  Oh, Syphon Filter got 3 of those exploding heads while Driver didn't even get a single one.  Syphon Filter wins, blessings be upon us all, game pros or not.

STAGE SELECT:
Ooh, I hate this question.  No offense intended, I feel it's just one of my real life monkey paw types of situations.  I wanted a new Castlevania for years (not that Bloodstained isn't great but I was open to it) and I got a, real quote, "Erotic Violence" pachislot machine followed by a mobile game that had a beta test in North America, released only in Canada, then was cancelled in the US at the last minute, only to somehow arrive years later but only on Apple Arcade?  No idea.  I am a Mirror's Edge fan and then years later Catalyst came out which got rid of all the hand-crafted levels and for whatever reason triple-downed on the much maligned combat.  True story, it doesn't quite count but I almost backed Mighty No. 9 for $99 but was "saved" at the last minute due to some bad news.  Heck, just today it was announced that Sk4te (pronounced Skuh-number four-teh of course), a revival that surprised the heck out of me, is going to be some sort of multiplayer F2P mess so not exactly looking forward to that anymore.  Great stuff.  I could go on and on.  While I kinda like the game, my sibling still owns a Deus Ex: Invisible War preorder t-shirt, and this was somehow even before I really got into the series.  Okay, that's enough.  TONY HAWK 5!

But let's ruin some more series why not, I'll just blame *you* guys when they announce some NFT garbage literally the day after this airs or something.  And I'll try and pick some oddballs so that doesn't happen.

Number 3: Goemon aka Mystical Ninja.  A bunch of decent SNES games and two really solid N64 games, that's enough to rake in the nostalgia vibes, so why not?  Oh, wait, more Pachislot, damn.  Actually, one of the reasons I wanted to bring this up is that I did play the Nintendo DS version in Japanese (which was the last real sequel) and thought it was really decent.  Maybe too "this is a Nintendo DS game with Nintendo DS controls dammit!" but that's certainly not unique for its time.  Heavily Japanese, some voice acting, and with a unique font and text layout, there was no chance of it being localized despite them also putting money into a GBA collection for Japan at the time.

Number 2: Boktai.  A charming little adventure/stealth series with lots of action and puzzles, the director, who is not Kojima, is still at Konami and working on an unannounced game.  But it's not going to be Boktai, I'll tell you that.  Maybe more Metal Gear: Survive, if you're lucky (?).  The final one, Lunar Knights, wasn't as good as the first two but I remember it had its charm.  But maybe it's good to be optimistic?  Even if it's rainin' cats 'n' dogs, a sunflower holds its head up high.  Taiyooooooooooh!

Number 1: How about Kid Icarus?  I actually don't know much about the Nintendo 3DS one but I always hear good things if you don't mind the controls instantly transforming your hands into little lobster claws.  They should remake that, I don't even care if they have to totally redo it, or just do a non-sequel like Star Fox Zero.  Smash Bros is over, right, what else is Sora Ltd. doing?  Certainly nothing as important as Kid Icarus.

Edit: Okay, somebody already said Kid Icarus.  My other go-to for this was Ape Escape, but with Japan Studio recently closing I don't see that happening soon.  How about Mega Man Battle Network, another favorite of mine?  The collection was just announced, maybe it'll do so well they'll revive the series.

VIDEO GAME CAGE MATCH:
We go to a match already on its last legs.  Commander Shepard and slightly edgier Commander Shepard are standing over the struggling, beaten body of Jolee Bindo, the last Knights of the Old Republic holdouts, giving each other a high five and a slightly edgier high five.  But, wait, "A Better Beginning" starts to play, and here comes Sara Ryder down the runway with a folding chair, joining the more acclaimed Shepard twins in glory!   It's all over.  BAM!  Sara has instead attacked her much more famous Shepard twins, a class heel turn, knocking them down and out of the ropes!  "See?  I'm special too!  I'm acclaimed too!" she announces to jeering and booing from the audience, followed by hissing and garbage being thrown as she exits while doing various and assorted obscene gestures towards them.  "What are the odds of that happening, anyway? A billion to one? Changed the course of the tournament to come.  I'd call that quite a destiny, wouldn't you?" muses Jolee Bindo.  Knights of the Old Republics... wins?

NOTE: I sent an email, check that first if it got through but it shouldn't be read out loud.

STAGE SELECT:
3. I'm going to go with Fat Chocobo in Final Fantasy V, or really any summon with a Fat Chocobo-like thing.  The gimmick in V is that 8% of the time when you use the Chocobo summon to kick and scratch at a single enemy instead what happens is that a Fat Chocobo drops from the sky doing over 2x the damage on all the enemies.  It's not really ever worth doing but it's just a fun little easter egg.  VII apparently also has a Fat Chocobo but it's only arguably stronger because it doesn't cause Stop.  But really any summon that has a little gambling involved is great in my book.  Also, speaking of Final Fantasy V and easter eggs, just a fun little fact to end this on, there is an easter egg in V where if you use the Magic Lamp item (that casts all the summons in order) enough times you get a reference to an obscure game by the lead developer of FFIV which is pretty neat.

2. Any of the summons in Bravely Default.  These things are batshit: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bpLTf_N14mU .  I'm going to spoil them here but please listeners do yourself a favor and look up a video first.  Every one of them is a mythical god or creature merged with technology.  Girtablulu, a giant earth scorpion with a city on its back.  Hresvelgr, a wind jet plane that turns into an eagle.  Ziusudra's Sin, a smokey flood god, the Sumerian precursor to Noah.  Deus Ex, a giant electric spider made of gears that attacks with TV beams.  Susano-o, a giant swordsman that slices with an oil derrick.  And, my favorite, Promethean Fire, which is a flaming fucking ghost train.

1. Okay, this is a bit of a stretch, but when else can I bring this up?  I wanted to talk about Slots commands, which are kinda just like Call or Conjure but instead of delay or huge MP cost it kinda adds a skill/luck component.  Both Final Fantasy VI and VII have a great unblockable-instadeath that just feels awesome when you can manipulate it to work.  VII's Game Over is just busted (usable on everything.  The exploit is to skip an animation so it won't skip over it, a glitch you might be doing accidentally anyway by hammering the buttons), but even VI's Death Joker fail (that kills your own party) can be used anywhere the normal version is barred, against enemies, by using a Jump/Mimic exploit or by timing a Setzer/Gogo confuse perfectly.  It's great.  Then there's the other effects Slot has, like VI's Bahamut Mega Flare (Pixel version lets you keep Mimicing it) and Summon (random summon, which Mimics the call in all version) or VII's Lucky Girl (every hit until death or the end of the battle is a critical), Moogle (full party heal), or this weird one called Transform where all your party turns into one giant character.  Which, side note, they kinda make a class out of in Bravely Default.  It turns out if you learn the tools they are very fun!

And really that's just Final Fantasy.  Also, wanted to end with a shout out to Blue Magic, which is kinda similar and I like *even better*, and could be a Stage Select in its own right.

VIDEO GAME CAGE MATCH:
I don't have to submit anything this week because I bribed the hosts.  Fatal Fury wins.  Actually, Fatal Fury wins because it lead to Garou: Mark of the Wolves, one of my sibling's favorite fighters.  But that's just extra.

STAGE SELECT:
I'll start with the serious one, and that's the modern Deus Ex games.  These are great games that unfortunately fall apart in the end.  Human Revolution's ending is basically Metal Gear Solid 1's with more generic platitudes about "What is humanity?  What is technology?  Do humans do the right thing?" (no matter what option you picked), with even more generic stock footage to boot.  The stinger is fine (a reference to nanomachines, the Gray Death virus, and the main character from the original Deus Ex) but considering they had 2 novels, a short story, a comic book series, 2 sequels (one a phone game), and a failed film adaptation you'd think they'd have more plot involved.  Mankind Divided is similar, they wanted to make Deus Ex a franchise but the ending just... happens.  Mankind Divided *isn't* actually just an unfinished game but that ending sure doesn't help that impression of it.

Super Mario Sunshine.  You fight Bowser in a bath and then FLUDD acts kinda weird, then he FUCKING DIES, and then he's repaired so it's okay, only he doesn't talk again so it's kinda like is FLUDD okay or is that just a zombie or something?  A shell of a being, a tool of which personhood was ripped?  Wait, this is starting to sound like Human Revolution again.  I don't know, what a mess.

Bionic Commando (2009) is a classic one.  That whole game was an edgy mess though the ending just keeps it going.  Spencer spends the whole game trying to find his missing wife.  It's the only reason you join the mission because they have information about it so they offer it to you in exchange for the work of you and your super weapon, the Bionic Arm.  At the end you find out your cool Bionic Arm is, of course, your dead wife.  Really, the thing is that's the only way the weapon works, it contains the soul of your wife or whatever.  And the super bad double agent is the guy you save in the NES Bionic Commando, so that's gratitude for you.  Then you headbutt a mech to death and fall into a hole.  Finally, there's some German Morse code at the end which translate to basically a bad "and now for phase 2!" teaser that of course never came out (though there was a sorta prequel).  Gold stars all around.

VIDEO GAME CAGE MATCH:
Time for more logic.  Kingdom Hearts without Final Fantasy is just Disney, while Final Fantasy VII without Disney is just Final Fantasy VII without the Gold Saucer and Cait Sith.  The Gold Saucer isn't in the first remake and Cait Sith only is technically.  By the transitive property I think that means Final Fantasy VII Remake wins?  Somebody check my work.

Update: I ended up placing first this season in that relaxing game I mentioned I was competing in, Lonely Mountains: Downhill: https://twitter.com/LonelyMnts/status/1532009550047596545

STAGE SELECT:
I think I chose more "shreddin'" songs than "rockin'" songs but here's my picks.  First up is Departure from Mega Man Zero 2, a great song in a series with great songs.

Also, I know it's been covered before but, damn, No More Heroes 2 - Philistine just goes way harder than it has any right to:

Finally, Castlevania obviously has amazing music.  But I wanted to highlight one of the lesser appreciated game's original song, Divine Bloodline from Castlevania: Rondo of Blood:

VIDEO GAME CAGE MATCH:
"The Great Evil King" Stanley Hihat Trinidad XVI can break the Pig Latin curse with barely (really hardly any!) side effects!  Who knows what other powers he commands!  Okage: Shadow King wins.