PixlBit

Reading a discussion on another Pixlbit blog reminded me of a blog I wrote on 1UP 9 years ago. Shockingly, this May will mark my 10th anniversary as a member of the 1UP/Pixlbit community. Back then, I still played on my PS2 and Gamecube and hadn't joined 7th gen yet. Now I feel old.

Anyway...

Even though I'm not the biggest fan of the series (despite my Pixlbit/1UP tag), Grand Theft Auto has been an insightful parody of American culture.  However, in all honesty, I'd like to see it break new ground rather than just visiting the West and East Coasts ad nauseam. Forget New York, LA, or Miami. No Chicago either. I'd like to see GTA tackle American culture as seen in "Middle America" cities like Dallas, Charlotte, Indianapolis, Atlanta, or Phoenix.

With that in mind, I wrote a blog detailing a hypothetical GTA set in Texas. The blog was actually written in Texas, as my wife and I were staying at a hotel in Grand Prairie, having attended dinner at Medieval Times in Dallas. Unfortunately, this blog has returned to the dust from whence it came as 1UP continues to slowly decompose. But a GTA set in Texas would be an interesting concept. Texas is fairly representative of Middle America, a mix of urban and rural, it's the fastest growing state in terms of population, and has a colorful culture.

Aside from the fact that the original blog is forever lost, there are some differences between this blog and the old one. I made up my own Texas-themed names for the locations, but in 2010, two years after I wrote the original, Rockstar Games released Red Dead Redemption, which is a Western set at the end of frontier days. So I'll rename some of the locations to keep continuity with RDR and position this GTA as the world of RDR in the present day. Also, my idea for this game is based around the sprawling geography of the PS2-era games, while Rockstar seems to have eschewed square mileage in favor of trying to reproduce real-life cities in digital form, so this treatment is something of an anachronism.

So here it is, back from the dead. Grand Theft Auto: Lone Star

New Austin, late-90s - early 2000s.

The World:

Fueled by an endless flow of petrodollars and migrants from the East Coast and San Andreas, New Austin has been transformed from its frontier origins into a modern world. Connected by the so-called "New Austin Triangle" of Interstate highways, four major urban areas have sprung up in the heart of New Austin, surrounded by miles of suburban subdivisions, oil wells, and cattle ranches.

Kennedy/Fort Oswald/Rubinstein Metroplex (real life: Dallas/Fort Worth/Arlington): This is the starting point of your adventure. Coming down the highway, you'll be greeted by the 55-foot tall "Big Austin". There's plenty to do for sports fans: if you like football, be sure and catch "America's Team", the Kennedy Vaqueros, while baseball fans can cheer for the New Austin Marshals. For family fun, visit Nine Flags Over New Austin in Rubinstein and ride the New Austin Behemoth, the world's largest wooden rollercoaster. There are plenty of steakhouses, barbecue joints, and strip clubs conveniently located off of the President Herbert Walker Turnpike. And if you need a quick getaway, KFO International Airport has flights leaving every hour.

Marston (real life: Houston): The largest city in New Austin, named for legendary New Austin hero John Marston, approached from the west by the 26-lane Bonnie Freeway. Dozens of oil companies are headquartered here, but dirty backroom dealings abound amongst Marston's soaring glass skyscrapers. MacFarlane Bay rivals Vice City as a spring break getaway. Don't mind the rolling brownouts that sometimes occur at midnight.

Santa Anna (real life: San Antonio): Its most famous landmark is Fort Mercer, where a famous battle took place between soldiers for the then Republic of New Austin and Nuevo Paraiso. Families can also visit Shark World Santa Anna and watch shows featuring Bugsy, the famous performing Great White Shark. Nearby is an Army post, Fort John Marston, as well as the Air Force's only basic training site, Hagman AFB.

Armadillo (real life: Austin): The capital of New Austin, an influx of tech companies from the San Fierro Bay Area has earned it the nickname of "Silicon Prairie", while an infux of liberal San Andrean migrants has earned it the derisive title of "The People's Republic of Armadillo" from the largely conservative population of New Austin. Located just north of Armadillo is the world's largest military base, Fort Richards, near the town of Ann (real life: Fort Hood/Killeen).

Kiev (real life: Odessa): Located in the hardscrabble western oilfields of New Austin, Kiev is home to the New Austin Correctional Facility, where you'll find yourself if you run afoul of law enforcement.

The Beaver Ranch: Located along F.M. 666, this "resort" is managed by Madam Rosa, who is trying to keep the business open despite a relentless campaign to close the ranch being waged by the Reverend Jerry Baker, a popular and charismatic televangelist from Marston.

The story: You play as Buck Stevenson, a small-time criminal operating a meth lab in a run-down Kennedy neighborhood. Your friend Jimmy Scruggs helps arrange a sale which will make you a rich man. Unfortunately, you and Jimmy are busted by Norris Walker of the New Austin Marshals, the state's elite police force. However, it turns out that Walker is himself a member of a major cartel, and in exchange for Buck's cooperation, coerced by the kidnapping of his wife and son, Walker forces Buck to do his dirty work for him. Eventually, Buck will meet up with such characters as New Austin real estate mogul Avery Carrington, who wants to increase the value of his oil futures by having you sabotage a few wells and refineries, and New Austin Attorney General Lance Roberts, who would like you to dig up dirt on his opponents in the upcoming election for Governor of New Austin, and Brother Zenos, the leader of a doomsday cult holed up in a compound in the town of Brazos.

Radio stations: The usual mix of rock, pop, and hip-hop, with a greater emphasis on country music, as well as plenty of AM talk radio that parodies both mainstream talk radio and religious talk radio.

Anyway, this is my proposal for a new direction for Grand Theft Auto. Ten years later, I would still like to see the series take a break from the coasts and take a shot at lampooning the culture of the heartland where I grew up and spent most of my life.