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My Inevitable Death, Potato Infomercials, and Shockingly Well Endowed Fairy Terrorists


On 09/24/2016 at 01:20 AM by Blake Turner

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 So I've had the flu for the past few days. Fevers, constant sweating, nausea, and constant coughing are not the most fun things I can imagine. I feel a lot better today, though, at least good enough to actually sit down and write something at least mildly coherent.

 Yesterday was fun. I decided that all of my games on all of my systems were too hard and that my mobile games were getting to the point where it seems like they don't love me anymore and are only sticking around in the vein hopes that I will give them money. So I went into town to trade some games and buy some more drugs to get me through another day. I traded 5 games in and had enough money buy Xenoblade X Chronicles and Hyrule Warriors.

 So after reading Asrealasitgets' blogs about Xenoblade Chronicles, I decided I simply had to play this game at some point. It seemed like exactly the kind of mindless treadmill one needs when you're on enough drugs to make Amy Winehouse's corpse perk right the fuck up, and it seems to be doing the trick. Also, this game is fucking insane.

 For starters, Asrealasitgets was 110% correct on the rifts between story and gameplay. It makes the new Tomb Raider's look like masters ludonarrative cohesion. Seriously, the game's story tells you to coexist peacefully and only kill things out of self defense - 5 seconds after we just butchered an entire coastline's worth of defenseless mammals for XP. The game wants you to think seriously about peaceful coexistance, but the main crux of the gameplay loop is hinged around progression, a lot of which seems to be tied to materials you need to gather from butchered wildlife.

 Then, immediately after meeting a hostile new alien life form that captured, tortured, and murdered some people we meet a talking potato that reminds me a lot of Teddy from Persona 5 only 2 billion times more irritating. He gives you an infomercial and lends you a fucking floating orb that leads you to your location - which would be extremely useful if the map didn't already lead you towards where you needed to go.

 Despite all this complaining, I am enjoying the game. I like seeing what kind of alien life I find next. There's Fennec Fox Corgy Lizards, Giant Hammerhead Dinosaurs, and Dodo's with literal testicles for throats. It's great! I want my fucking mech already though.

 Hyrule Warriors is one of the most mindless games I've ever played. I love it. I've been playing Co-op with Bilby and it's been fun so far, if a bit repetitive. I haven't played too much, and since I'm not the biggest Zelda fan, can somebody please explain to me why there's a giant titted fairy that literally nukes the entire fucking world - and more importantly - why everyone's so fucking okay with it? Isn't this a Nintendo game? Why is she showing so much cleavage she could be in a Suda 51 game?

 Then again, after playing Shantae, it appears anything on a Nintendo console can get a fucking G rating.


 

Comments

Matt Snee Staff Writer

09/24/2016 at 10:29 AM

Fairies are allowed to have boobs in Nintendo games.  

Hope u feel better soon, man.  

Cary Woodham

09/24/2016 at 08:55 PM

That fairy is from The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time on the N64. She looked really creepy on the N64.  I even had a nightmare once where she was chasing me through a big field, only to pop up right in front of my face with that creepy laugh of hers.

Blake Turner Staff Writer

09/25/2016 at 12:25 AM

I've played through Ocarina of Time but I don't remember her wearing so little. Maybe it was just lower polygons not making it stand out as much, but it seemed really weird in this game.

Cary Woodham

09/25/2016 at 01:41 PM

One point to remember that may explain things a bit is that Nintendo really didn't make Hyrule Warriors for the most part.  It was mostly made by Tecmo-Koei, and you know what series they're famous for...

Catherine Hauser Staff Alumnus

09/25/2016 at 12:18 PM

Oh the Fairy. She still looks like she's only in Zelda because she wants to get noticed enough to be invited on RuPaul's Drag Race. Glad you're feeling better!

Blake Turner Staff Writer

09/25/2016 at 08:41 PM

I, uh, had to google what you were referring to there haha.

And thanks.

mothman

09/25/2016 at 01:14 PM

I was unable to get into Xenoblade Chronicles X. I bought it day one because I loved the Wii game so much and was very disappointed. I may try it again at some point. After all I dropped 80 bucks on it.

Blake Turner Staff Writer

09/25/2016 at 08:37 PM

What was it that turned you off? I haven't played the original, so maybe it's just not as good. It took me a while before I was truly hooked, but once the game opened up and I realised what it was I was playing I loved it. The world is so interesting to explore!

mothman

09/26/2016 at 08:52 AM

The fact that you create a silent carboard cutout to play as for a start. No personality kept me from feeling I was involved in a story. The first game was full of personality, X not so much.

Secondly the fact that it seemed to take forever to get off the ground. I lost interest in reading and listening really quickly.

Like I said, I might go back and try again.

asrealasitgets

09/25/2016 at 09:27 PM

I felt the same about xeno chron wiiu at first, when the game decided to drop me into the open world right away, rather than directing me through a more linear RPG story experience like the first one. Also, the new game has a silent protagonist where the original game didnt, also there was a good relationship with party in first game and you had that sweet Monado laser sword. 
They are different games, but I enjoy the new game in a different way. Its like Dragon Age 2= xenoblade wii and DA:I = xenoblade chron.  I guess if you prefer linear RPG story vs sandbox open world exploration. The combat is the same, and I find the visuals of the first game to be a little ugly now, although it is very stylish but not as pretty as Chron. 

When I played Xeno Chron on WiiU, it was so fucking beautiful I wanted to cry and live in that game world, just like when people wanted to actually live in the world of James Camerons film 'Avatar'.Cry

Blake Turner Staff Writer

09/25/2016 at 10:53 PM

It really does depend on what you want I guess. The story is garbage, and it took a long time for me to grow on the combat system (which I now find fantastic), but the world is so fascinating and huge. I don't mean huge like the way AAA game devs market their games, but this game does scale like few others I've seen. I feel tiny in this world, and like I really don't belong. I love surveying the area and just seeing what insane thing I see next!

asrealasitgets

09/26/2016 at 02:29 AM

Yep. I actually get now why people like fucking around in open worlds just because they like surveying the map. It depends on the world I guess, but I've always felt like open world games weren't that interesting. I think after a while DA:I is more fun when you unlock more of the combat abilities and experiment with party setup, the world is very pretty as well. Side-quests in Xeno arent very good either. They do a good job of fleshing out the world a bit, but not as well as DA, but no game really does it that well anyway. Creatures are fantastic though!

Blake Turner Staff Writer

09/26/2016 at 03:14 AM

I think for an open world, it has to either have deep systems that encourage experimentation, have a well designed map that is fun to explore, or have something else that pulls you along.

 Metal Gear Solid V and Far Cry games fall under the first category. MGSV's stealth mechanics are so engaging and deep that you just want to try all sorts of crazy things, and the open world allows you to. Want to slide down a hill in your cardboard box? Go for it. Want to see if you can knock guards out by remotely inflating a balloon version of yourself? Knock yourself out. Same goes for Far Cry. Those systems overlap in crazy and unpredictable ways and the open world exists as a sandbox to test them.

 Games that are fun to explore are ones that are super detailed or ones where traversal is fun. Skate 3 has a really fun world to traverse, where every single thing in the world exists to further gameplay. Just getting from A to B is a blast, same as Spiderman 2 or Burnout Paradise. Fun to explore ones have to be super detailed. I love Metroid Prime's Semi open world because the fauna and flora feel believable because of the amount of detail put in. Skyrim is the same, you could just take in the sights if you want.

 The Witcher 3 pulled me along because there was an engaging story everywhere I looked. The sidequests and even odd jobs all had amazing writing so nothing ever got old. Dragon Age Inquisition was the opposite. I loved the story and the story missions and wished I could solely focus on them, instead of having to collect fucking plants. And open worlds that exist as glorified menu screens can go the fuck to hell.

 Xeno is mainly pulling me along for progression and world design I think. I want a Skell. I want to see what's over the next hill. I want to see what new powers there are, and what the classes do, and what different divisions offer. Because there's fuck all of a tutorial system and the game fails to explain anything unless it's something incredibly basic, I find I'm constantly discovering new things. I found the combat tedious and boring until I unlocked a class all about buffing attacks and attacking from the right side to give you boosts and activate combos that would regain health. I have a lot of issues with the game, but at the same time, I can't put the damn thing down.

 Damn this comment is long. Sorry about that.

asrealasitgets

09/26/2016 at 06:59 PM

You shouldnt let this comment go to waste. I hope you copy and post as a blog about open worlds because it's an interesting subject to reiterate on. I would also add Dead Rising as a new fav sandbox of mine. I never played until now, but once again the environment, story, and horror genre is enough to keep me interested for the mundane backtracking and janky melee combat. I don't normally enjoy comical/funny games, but its equally survival horror and fun at the same time, kind of like Sean of the Dead, which seem contradictory, but it pulls these things off well, for me anyway. I'm an apologist for bad things if I like some aspect of it at least.

KnightDriver

09/26/2016 at 12:49 AM

I look at an Enderman in the deep dark night of Minecraft and wonder at its mystery. And then think, I MUST HAVE YOUR EYE!!!! What are games turning me into?

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