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Hallo-Fucking-Ween Bitches!

On 11/01/2016 at 06:54 AM by Blake Turner

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 So in case you don't know by now, I'm Australian. Australian's don't celebrate Halloween, which is odd since we've pillaged every other holiday from you cunts except the one about pillaging ironically.

 However, being a fan of horror, Halloween is the only holiday I actually want to celebrate. I don't care for Easter much, since like 9/11, one middle eastern dude dying in a fictional pulpy fantasy novel is something we should really fucking get over. I don't like Christmas because slightly more Hippy-ish Ghandi makes another appearance, and also I spend most of my adult life trying to avoid my family and I really don't want to give them an excuse to guilt trip me into listening to them explain why and how I'm wasting my life.

 Halloween on the other hand, is all about horror and candy, which sounds like the kind of holiday 12 year old me would have invented in a tree fort, but somehow is actually a real thing. My Halloween was yesterday, because I'm from the future (your halloween might have ended by now but who gives a fuck), and I celebrated by having a bunch of friends over and watching a fuckton of horror flicks.

 We split it in two nights because fuck watching 5 films in one night.


Cabin in the Woods

 Okay, if you haven't seen this film by now, remedy that ASAP. This is a modern classic, a horror comedy that is so insanely awesome and clever that it should be seen with very little prior knowledge.

 If you have seen it or don't give a fuck about spoilers please continue.

 I've seen this film a few times now, and I swear it gets better every time. This is one of those films where every scene is better than the last, and the last third of the film is so incredibly awesome it defies expectation. Basically, they put every horror movie monster in a room with a bunch of dudes with guns and let the chaos unfold and it is beautiful. You've got Unicorns imapling people, mermans spraying blood out of their blowholes, zombies doing zombie shit, xenobytes xenobyting, and the whole last third is just what you always wanted to appear on film. A great way to start a halloween night.

Evil Dead (2013)


 God-fucking-damn it feels good to have R-Rated horror again - especially when they're this delightfully deranged and fun. There is no message to this film, there is no convoluted plot. This film just wants to gross you out and put as much blood on the screen as it possibly can and have a fucking blast doing so. 

 This is hands down the best horror remake I've ever seen, and while it doesn't come close to the sequels, it comes rather close to the quality of the original Evil Dead and definitely captures its spirit. 

 This is not for the squeamish though. We have boiling blistered skin, turkey carver amputations, tongue slicing, and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots of blood. An excellent halloween pick.


The House of the Devil

This is a good flick, and if you want to truly enjoy it, I suggest watching it alone. It's a work of suspense and it takes a long time for anything to really happen. Instead, it wants you to freak yourself out far before anything happens. In that, it succeeds.

 However, this film is fun as fuck to watch with a group since the acting is so terrible and the characters do some incredibly weird things. It's one of those rare films that can be scary if watched alone or can be hilarious if watched in a group. Either way, it's enjoyably daft.

Bone Tomahawk


 So the trailer for this makes it seem like a horror flick, and I saw it pop up on numerous lists about horror proclaiming how good it is. This is not a horror flick, and it's not a good party flick. This is a straight up Western. It's a fucking good Western, but it it is not a horror flick.

 In a lot of ways it reminds me of the Coen Brothers forays into the genre. It takes its sweet time building atmosphere and character. It has sharp, amusing dialogue, and at times, it's just fucking cool. It is quite gory, but only in two scenes right near the end. It's worth a watch, just not at halloween.


FUCK YES! This was a great flick to end the night on. It's an indie anthology flick that's all set around desert highways and isolated towns. Some of the stories are better than others, but there are two awesome standouts: One involves some girls having dinner with an exceptionally weird family who seem like they crawled right out of one of the creepier sections of Fallout 3, and the other involving a man who runs over a girl and tries to perform surgery on her in a deserted hospital with the help of a 9-11 operator. That's all I'll say.

 This film isn't super scary, but it is unnerving, at times funny, and always a blast to watch. There is only really one dud story, but the rest are pretty damn fun. Enjoy!


 Well those are the flicks I watched for Halloween. Have you seen any of these films? What did you watch/play for halloween? Also, Ijust played Brutal Doom 64 and ya'll need to get on that ASAP! 




11/01/2016 at 08:34 AM

I'm a big fan of Halloween and horror too, and always try to watch a bunch of horror movies leading up to Halloween. I actually just watched Cabin in the Woods last night for the first time since it came out and liked it even better the second time.  The only other movie you listed that I've seen is the Evil Dead remake, and I agree that it's one of the best remakes I've seen.  I didn't watch it this Halloween, but over the last few weeks I re-watched the Evil Dead trilogy so I could then watch the Ash vs Evil Dead series from the first season up to the current episodes.  I'm really digging that show.

Saturday night I watched The Witch, which I had heard great things about.  It was pretty good, but I didn't enjoy it as much as I had hoped.  It probably didn't help that it was extremely difficult for me to undestand what the hell they were saying (it takes place in 17th century New England), so I eventually had to turn sub-titles on.  Still a good movie though.

Friday night I re-watched The Babadook, and that was another movie I enjoyed even more the second time.  I also watched half of the Poltergeist remake.  I'll probably finish that up soon.  It seems okay.  It's not nearly as bad as it's been made out to be, but also seems kind of pointless.  I'm not sure why they felt the need to remake the film.

Blake Turner Staff Writer

11/01/2016 at 08:47 AM

Oh man, I need to rewatch The Babadook. That was an absolutely astonishing movie. I haven't watched The Witch yet, but I have it. We were going to watch it on Halloween but it seemed like more of a slow build suspense film, and those aren't great when you just want some silly frights.

 I need to get around to finishing Ash Vs The Evil Dead. I've only seen the first 4 episodes, but I hope to remedy that soon.


11/01/2016 at 12:56 PM

I watched The Wailing last month, its a south korean film about a small town being invaded by mysterious illness right around the time a stranger arrives. Its a bit goofy at the beginning then it just keeps on getting darker from there.

Blake Turner Staff Writer

11/01/2016 at 03:40 PM

Just looked at the trailer. Seems neat, might have to check it out.

Casey Curran Staff Writer

11/01/2016 at 03:34 PM

Most of my favorite Halloween movies are animated or comedies. Ghostbusters and Paranorman are my two must watch movies especially. That said, I agree, Cabin in the Woods was fucking awesome.

Blake Turner Staff Writer

11/01/2016 at 03:39 PM

Paranorman is great! Ghostbusters goes without saying, but more people need to see Paranorman.

Casey Curran Staff Writer

11/01/2016 at 08:00 PM

I agree, Paranorman is definitely in my top 15 all time. A lot like Cabin in the Woods in a way where you think you know exactly where the story is heading, but has about five twists that do the exact opposite. 


11/01/2016 at 04:08 PM

Saw Bone Tomahawk last week. Even if it's not technically a horror movie, it packed more of a punch with me than any of those other movies (didn't see Southland). While those are basically fantasy movies, BT was just the right side of believability to be disturbing in a way that demons and haunted houses aren't; closer to something like Texas Chainsaw Massacre. The villains are monstrous in a real world way. There is a kill in there that is one of the roughest seen in any film regardless of genre. You know which one I'm talking about. Wow! And their culture, the brief glimpses we see of it, is no less monstrous. Who knows what kind of beings and cultures have existed on this Earth, unseen and unknown by the vast majority of people. Top notch genre film, great acting. Kurt "The Man" Russel, folks.

Got my woman to watch Evil Dead 2 with me. She's not a fan of horror movies at all, but she was able to tolerate this one. Afterward she said that was as scary as she could probably go. Almost wound up showing her The Thing, but couldn't find it for free on such short notice, so I guess she dodged a bullet.

She said Candyman really scared her back in the day. She hated when I started doing the Candyman voice "It was always you, Helen." lol

Blake Turner Staff Writer

11/02/2016 at 10:53 AM

Eh, horror is subjective. Just because it's a bit more realistic doesn't necessarily equate to it being scarier. Also, that kill wasn't that rough really. It reminded me a lot of a certain Mortal Kombat fatality from the reboot actually. 

 It's a pretty fantastic Western flick, and I'd rate it up there with the best films I've seen this year, but I don't necessarily think it was that horrific, and Evil Dead has far more horrific kills.

 Evil Dead 2 is a great horror flick for non-horror fans. It's so slapstick that it reminds me of an R-Rated 3 Stooges.


11/01/2016 at 08:50 PM

Halloween is the only holiday I care about. I don't actually celebrate it, (candy, costumes, etc.) but the atmosphere and mood that people get into is what I like the most. I walked around my neighborhood yesterday and saw a lot of Harly Quinns which was pretty cool. Saw lots of anime cosplay as well. I generally enjoy horror media all year round. 

My favorite horror movie is The Exorcist, although its more of real-life type of depiction not so much the slasher film variety. I love re-reading the novel and actually I'm enjoying the new TV show that is a continuation of the first film/book, so it's canonical it seems.I also love Exorcist 3 as a crime story. Again, more real than slasher film.
My other favorite horror film is Rob Zombies Halloween II, but more-so because its more of a real depiction of someone surviving through trauma of a serial killer. I remember feeling uncomfortable watching it when it debuted at the time, not so much fun, but sad. Even though it has some ghosts and super powered wrestler Myers, I love the performance from Laurie Strode. 
Have you watched the TV show 'The Fall'? It's a british crime drama about a strangler. It's very disturbing, but quite a good cat and mouse show, the first season at least. Had a hard time watching a lot of it. during holidays is some real cognitive dissonance shit right there. Undecided

Blake Turner Staff Writer

11/02/2016 at 10:57 AM

Don't judge me, but I still haven't seen the Exorcist. I know, I need to get around to it ASAP, and I really want to see it, it's just one of those films I've never gotten around to.

Eh, I wasn't huge on Halloween II. I haven't really been big on any of Zombie's flicks since House of 1000 Corpses honestly.

 Yeah I watched the first episode fo The Fall last week. I definitely want to watch more soon since it was really unnerving. Have you watched Westworld yet btw?


11/02/2016 at 06:51 PM

I think a lot of the shock from Exorcist is the little girl doing grotesque things, its still really gross though. 

The Fall has a very good 1st season, then 2-3 go down the tubes. It was definitely stretched w/ little to go on and it felt that way as I made it through the last episode this week.

WW is one I need to start on. The interwebs hype machine is quite annoying with this one.  


11/04/2016 at 03:56 PM

I've really stopped watching anything on my TV that isn't interactive, but I did watch most of James Rolfe's Monster Madness X this year, episodes 1-20 so far. I like the summaries of strange horror flicks I've never seen.

Good list you got. I've seen Cabin in the Woods, great flick, and want to see the Evil Dead remake and Bone Tomahawk.


11/05/2016 at 03:10 PM

Unfortunately life and university got me in the way of enjoying this year's Halloween, but overall, I love the holiday. If you haven't seen it already, a great horror pick I recommend is The Babadook (which is even from your country!).

Blake Turner Staff Writer

11/07/2016 at 03:34 AM

I have seen The Babadook. It's awesome!

Matt Snee Staff Writer

11/07/2016 at 08:48 AM

what's bone tomahawk like?  I wonder cause me and my dad are into westerns, but if it more horror probably not?


11/07/2016 at 01:14 PM

Snee, I think Blake stated very well here that's it more western and suspence than straight horror :P

Matt Snee Staff Writer

11/07/2016 at 04:35 PM

ha ha. just doublechecking!  I'll give it a try!

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