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Mental Health Struggles and All That Jazz

On 10/02/2017 at 07:07 AM by Blake Turner

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"Listen closely: the only time it’s too late to change yourself is when you’re dead. Until then, you’re simply making excuses or lying to yourself." - Some cunt on tumblr.

 This is going to be atough blog both to try and write and read. So I'll try and keep it light where I can. Last Tuesday, I tried to kill myself. I took between 10 and 12 antidepressants in the bath tub and hoped I'd pass out and die. I just decided to break with Bilby for a month because she was doing everything for me almost and she needed a holiday. I was in a massive fight with my best friend and I don't even remember what for anymore. But yeah.

 After that I went to hospital where I waited for four hours and got stabbed in the arm 5 times before the cunt of a nurse found a vein. They had to ultrasound me to find the fucker. It was intense. I hate needles. Even in movies for some reason. Give me the most fucked up thing imaginable. I've sat through A Serbian Film and laughed. Well... not the first time obviously. Fuck that film. But like... needles fuck me up.

Anyway I like totes got a Mormon Psychiatrist who kept trying to convince me I needed to marry Bilby and kept asking me where I was getting my drugs from and I'm not fucking snitching and that bitch shouldn't be asking those questions on a first visit.

Okay, let's turn back the tables to a week ago, before all this happened.

That was me. Happy, fine, and pretty fucking sexy in that jacket. Ladies, please. Just, like, calm down. I then went to this:

 To this:

 All because I didn't feel like myself and needed to change something. I shaved both my head and beard and dyed them. So... I kind of look like a clown with down syndrome. So yeah. Im also down to 82 kgs from 112. Im getting pretty thin, and I kind of went full gym junky in an attempt to reclaim some of my masculinity. The problem is with my personality disorder makes me too cocky and aggressive. After a workout, either all my aggression is gone or I want to fight. I'm a timid guy who usually avoids confrontation at all costs.

 I've been shoplifting. I stole a switch before taking it back. I've done a lot of stupid shit. I got addicted to perscription and recreational "medicine." I gave up weed once before because it depressed me, and now my old gp tells me I need to be on it daily. So, because I have an addictive personality, I'm having difficulties giving up.

I'm smart. At least above average. Smart enough that I can come top in my class at college if I try it, but lately I've been stupid. Like, I tell lies that even a 10 year old wouldn't believe. I look retarded. And it's not because I'm lying. It's because my brain fabricates memories. It is terrifying to constantly not have any idea whats real and whats not. And it's terrifying that it terrifies everyone else.

 So yeah. I've pushed people away. I've had my family and closest friends screaming at me for days. I have swollen, bruised knuckles. I have no freedom really. I can't work. I can't study. I can't drive, and I'm not allowed to leave the house on my own. I have to give my meds to someone else and sometimes they even have to forcefeed me. So obviously, that's not helping my mental state despite being necessary. I feel like an invalid.

 Last night was maybe the hardest night for me ever. The day before, my father got me against my will and against my brothers will (he was my caretaker) and didn't inform anyone before trying to commit me, filling out forms that say I don't want a blood transfusion, and basically taking every medical decision away from me. I snapped. I called him every name under the sun. All because he was worried.

The night after I decided I wanted to admit myself to a mental health facility. I was declined. I was too healthy apparently. Plus it was a long weekend and there were no beds available either. So I had to go home. Before I did though, my brother and three of my best friends basically jumped down my throat for an hour. They told me if I was confused about my sexuality then I wasn't bisexual, and that if my attraction to men changes pretty often that I can't possibly have it. I can't possibly have gender dysphoria.

 I get it. This is the first time they're hearing of this, and it's while I'm in an aggitated state. They think this is for attention. Part of it is. I possibly have arrested development meaning I have the mental state of an incredibly intelligent 14 year old. So yeah, I don't knwo what is true and what is just attention seeking behaviour, but having none of them believe me gutted me.

 What you maybe don't understand is that going to Banksia (the mental health facility) seemed the only way out of the darkness at that time. I was finally on track for recovery and getting back to Bilby. When I couldn't get in I broke down a little bit. I didn't show it at first, but when we got home everyone lectured me. Then I went into the bathroom and tried to stab myself in the leg and arm with a screwdriver. Fortunately, it was blunt so I did fuck all damage.

 Unfortunately, no one believed I was down. They thought it was for attention. I didn't want their fucking attention. I didn't want to show them them anything. I showed them because I thought they should know. And then they were so angry that no one in that room is currently talking to me.

 I'm 25. My brother is 20. I tried to hurt myself in his house. Like... that's fucked up. I'm supposed to be the rolemodel. He's already been here and his best mate is on his couch currently because he's dealing with shit. So he does not need me around at all.

 I'm back with Bilby now though. I'm okay. Don't worry. I am okay. One thing I will share with you before I go is the things I've learnt about mental illness. Please feel free to add more later but these are the big three:

1: It's hard. Like, apart from having a crippling physical illness, it's the hardest thing you may have to go through. But you have to treat it like a physical illness. You have to not let it define you. You can't always control your urges or impulses but you unfortunately do have to live with the consequences. Unfortunately, when you aren't in control, you should be, and losing control isn't really an excuse. I mean, of course it is. We understand. But you can't see it as an excuse. 

2. You are not alone. When I posted on facebook that I was going into banksia, half the cunts I'm friends with told me they'd either been there or something like that. Even the most successful people on earth suffer from it. Kanye West has crippling self esteem and social anxiety. Kid Cudi recently admitted himself because he was worried. Chris Cornell took his own life recently, as did Robin Williams - the happiest looking man on the planet. You are not alone. Even people without mental illnesses fuck up and get depressed. Never feel like you are alone, and remember that no matter what you have, someone else always has it worse. 
  1. 3. You will push people away. You will hurt the ones you love the most and they won't be able to handle being around you at certain points. That's okay. They have their own shit to deal with too. You can't think you are the only one with problems. If you have depression, you can drag everyone down constantly. Your mood is contagious. If you have bipolar, mania, arrested development, or some other personality disorder you will drive people away. You are unpredictable, possibly aggressive and violent, and the very least, an annoying cunt. That's ok. It's not your fault, and its not theirs either. They'll get back to you when they can. They still love you. It's okay. As I said, Kid Cudi put himself away, and Drake was hurt by something he did before hand and wrote a diss track about him being an emotional bitch. People get angry. It's ok.
  1. Finally, I love you. Get better. I need to take that advice myself sometimes, but we all love you from the bottom of our hearts




Nick DiMola Director

10/02/2017 at 10:05 AM

Blake, I was wondering what your tweet was about not long ago and I'm glad you've shared what was going on. I'm sorry to hear you've been going through some real shit and that stuff got a little crazy there.

In the future, if you ever need somebody to talk to, please, reach out. There's not a single person here that wants to see you take your life. I think I speak for everyone when I say that we care about you and want to see you get back to a clear state of mind.

Despite what some people may say, mental illness is an extremely serious issue that is impossible to understand unless you've experienced it yourself. The ones who think it's just a "passing feeling" or something you just need to "get over" are people who just don't get it.

Thank you for opening up, and if it helps, please keep posting here about your progress or how you're feeling if you're in a dark place. I'm also always available on Google Hangouts, so you can get me there if you just want to talk. Not sure I'll be a huge help, but sometimes it just helps to have someone's attention for a bit.

Be well dude and take care of yourself. Myself and this community is always here for you.

Blake Turner Staff Writer

10/02/2017 at 11:36 AM

Thank you. Can you let me know what my pixlbit email is? Haven't used it in a while. Would love to jump on hangouts.

And yeah. Everyone has been pretty okay with it honestly. It's more the actual health profesisonals that have pissed me off the most.

Nick DiMola Director

10/03/2017 at 01:56 PM

You got it man.

Your PB email is blake AT pixlbit DOT com. I'm going on vacation for the next week, so I won't be available, but hopefully you'll be able to log back in.

Blake Turner Staff Writer

10/03/2017 at 11:53 PM

Shit. Kept trying to add a t or a turner. makes sense as to why I couldn't get in lol.

Blake Turner Staff Writer

10/03/2017 at 11:55 PM

And, uh, it still says the email address doesn't exist.

Nick DiMola Director

10/12/2017 at 10:15 AM

Weird. I'm back now, so I'll get it reset for you!


10/02/2017 at 08:25 PM

I'll second that. I couldn't have said it any better. 


10/02/2017 at 01:17 PM

Glad you're hanging in there. I wonder though: there is often vitriol in your blog posts. Always cursing something or someone, many times things that don't warrant that kind of reaction. You might want to watch that. You may think it's just you being you or that it's harmless, but it may be creating a negative 'energy field' for yourself, which doesn't help if you have clinical mental illness. I know a few people like this and they are not happy individuals. And yes I'm going to go here, but: there is a biblical admonishment to be careful of the words that are in our thoughts and come out of our mouths. This is an idea shared by many other religions and philosophies, as well as something touched upon by metaphysics and in self-help/improvement circles.

Just something to consider. Take care, the struggle is real.

Blake Turner Staff Writer

10/02/2017 at 04:33 PM

Yeah I'm trying to be more positive when I write. Obviously that won't always happen, but I am trying. 

Yeah. I'm agnostic but I still read my bible fairly often. Found the book of psalms and a few lined in revelations particularly helpful. Particulary revelations 21:3,4.

And I heard a great voice out of heaven saying, Behold, the tabernacle of God is with men, and he will dwell with them, and they shall be his people, and God himself shall be with them, and be their God.
And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away.

I'm leaning more towards Budhism and Hinduism atm as they're more peace loving. Don't believe anything in there, but putting some of their shit in practice has helped. Thanks for the message man.


10/02/2017 at 06:39 PM

I don't really want to start a discussion on the topic and/or takeaway from your subject, but there are too many people who see a certain religious text and think the purpose is to copy the actions (often not peace loving) of those within, rather than take a deeper look and see what a particular story/verse is conveying. We don't do that with other mythologies. Greek citicizens didn't slay their wives' asshole suitors and execute the help because Odysseus did lol

Blake Turner Staff Writer

10/03/2017 at 12:20 AM

Yeah. Too many people take the bible far too literally. It is a weird mix of historical facts and parables, so I get why the confusion exists, but still. That is a good point with Greek Mythology.

  Also, it's worth noting that in Islam, only the extremists treat every word as a true event to follow. So, uh, food for thought I guess.


10/02/2017 at 08:30 PM

All relgions seem to deal with sorrow and suffering, hence their appeal. I like Budhism too. I found reading about it really helpful. The positivism thing can get a little rediculous sometimes. I prefer to focus on feelings. Just being honest is best, and you got that. 


10/02/2017 at 01:22 PM

sorry to hear.

Blake Turner Staff Writer

10/02/2017 at 04:33 PM

Its ok. I'm a lot better now.


10/02/2017 at 08:39 PM

Sometimes I think the whole world is getting depressed right now. It's just a depressing time. I was really bad over the summer and almost entered a hospital. Luckily I've tried this year to keep a friendly dialog going with a few people around me, and that's kept me from the worst of it. And I am the worst when it comes to communication. It's my biggest challenge at the moment.

It also sounds like you have some less than sympathetic people around you. Find one person who's not going to lecture you and that may keep you sane enough to figure things out on your own. I'm always trying to be self reliant, but I'm finding I need other people to survive, as much as I'd like to think I could exist alone. 

Also, I realized that health issues can be a big contributor to depression. Diet and exercise are really important. I copied this page from Web MD and pinned it on my wall. It's a top ten natural depression treatments. Most of them are just lifestyle things and not stuff you have to buy. 

And if you need meds, you do. I'm on them now, but I hope to fix some stuff and get off them eventually. I hate taking meds!

Take care man. You're not alone. 


10/03/2017 at 11:45 AM

Thank you for sharing with us what you're going through. I don't know much about mental illness and I do wish there was a quick fix or something to tell you to help you get through this. What I can say is that you are doing the right thing in seeking help. Also it is good to read that you're ok. Take care of yourself and if you need to vent/rant/write you have an outlet here. 


10/04/2017 at 08:28 AM

I wasn't properly diagnosed until 2002 and then it took them forever to find the right meds. I have been on Nortriptyline (Aventyl) since then.

It has never really gone away but the peaks and valleys are at least manageable now. Like everyone has been saying reach out if you need to. You are part of the Pixlbit family and we give lots of shits about our family. :)


10/06/2017 at 11:57 AM

Good to hear you're doing better. This is a heavy topic and I'd like to say more, but I've been up all night. Also, I don't think I could put justice to my thoughts. Thank you for your words.

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